My feet are dragging just a little bit and my face is pointed down at the ground. There's a sense of defeat looming overhead and a little bit of dread. i keep wondering 'can i do this? can i really do this?' There's a surge in my steps as i reaffirm myself that 'i can do this and i will' and a subsequent crawl as the cycle of doubt creeps up from the pit of my stomach to squeeze the hell out of my heart in its fists.
i am about to turn the corner and meet my fate when i stop dead in my tracks. Fear and dread fill me from head to toe. i really don't know if i can do this and i'm not kidding. i close my eyes, breathe slowly, deeply, inhaling my purpose in an endless stream of internal cheerleading.
They are standing off to the side engaged in conversation that i can only interpret as having everything to do with me but none of it my business. There are thoughts zigzagging through my mind about what to do, what not to do, wondering this, wondering that, should i stay, should i go, can i really fucking do this...? and i notice my Owner looking at me; piercing me with His stare and my thoughts stop in their tracks. Heat rises to my cheeks, a burning watery glaze fills my eyes, and i look down at the sidewalk. i forget the humid draft wafting beneath my short dress and my stupid shoes digging into my shaky feet; i am beside myself in an alter-persona; a disassociative moment where i feel separated from myself, weightless, and fully under another's control.
i am summonsed over with an ever so slight motion of His hand and there i am; standing in front of his friend- the stranger that would be taking me away. The world feels unstable below me and i am too nervous to say anything. i can't even look at him but i can feel eyes sizing me up, judging me; kinda small tits, ample height, looks like a street whore in that dress. i am sure He has been apprised of my highlights: eager to please and suck cock, swallows, jumps at command, repeatedly gets off on rough sex and pain combined... and my low points: clumsy, talks too much, soft stomach, hates anal...
Standing there in my small dress and heels, a little purse grasped in my trembling fingertips, i stare at my Owner's feet. 'What the hell am i doing?' i ask myself. 'i really can't do this, Sir' i plead through my eyes. He assures me that i will and i will be His good girl, make Him a proud Owner, satisfy and please a very dear friend of His. It is confirmed: you will do this. i surrender to Him right there; a silent submission shared between us only.
i don't hear what they are saying, or, maybe i hear but don't understand and their conversation excludes me and is transitionless. His friend places a hand on my back and my Owner steps on His cigarette to signify closure and i become weightless again; walking in another world as i am led away from all things safe and familiar with His friend's hand tracing the outline of my back. i look back once, quickly, but my Owner is out of sight. i feel lost but hopeful; for, i am able to separate from myself and become a part of a world where being an objectified sexual tool that my Owner was giving His friend was of utmost importance. After all, it is my purpose; to serve and obey.
Knots twist in my stomach with visions of him removing my dress, his foreign hands molesting my nude body, a stranger tongue in my mouth kissing me, a wrong voice ordering me down to my knees and positioning me in-between his legs, pain not borne of desire but of mere obligation raining down on me, and the fear of a cock not belonging to my Owner penetrating my fuckholes. i wonder if He will accept me back after this or if i will be less the slave i am with another man's breath on my skin and his sex inside of me. My heart thrashes in my chest uncontrollably as i contemplate the desire i have been ordered to have for another for the purpose of establishing the ultimate power and control over an owned object... one of the utility to please and obey...
i drift in and out of being the empty person walking beside the stranger with his hand on my back gently guiding me into a lair of the unknown simply because he has been offered this gift by someone who wants him to have it and the very obedient pet who so adoringly wants to please her Owner and make Him proud to own an object that will do whatever He orders her to do, at any cost.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
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16 comments:
Quite the psychological dilemma, understandably difficult for you. I look forward to reading more of this interesting account.
yes i do as well look forward to reading more about your adventure.
i am sure you will do very well serving Him :)
enjoy the ride it's a short one.
hugs
kk
wow, what an amazing story. I can't wait to hear how things went and what the future ramifications are.
dearest toy,
as your marvelous and griping written words spill forth onto your journal pages, slave g has been blessed to come to know you.
she is one who fully comprehends what is means to be property as her existence means her Owner can do whatever He wishes, to and with her.
she believes that like her, you have no limits and slave g recognizes the purity of your slavery.
oh, she has great faith in you sweet one.
*hugs*
g enslaved collared property of Owner, Master G
Truth be told, this hasn't happened yet. However, it nearly came to pass last month. Last minute travel changes prevented it from happening. So in essence, this is a psychological account of the "what ifs" should it ever become a reality.
Thanks all for the kind wishes and thoughts.
toy
Dearest toy
Good luck with this. I know it is something you have feared but anticipated for so long. I know too that it is something you could walk away from if you needed to. To that extent it is consensual.
However forgive me if I still have some concerns and perhaps fears for your emotional health in this.
I hope I am not being "holier than though" about this for I have been involved myself in a similar situation. I was the "other man". I was given a woman to use for the afternoon. In that situation though it was the woman who wanted to be used by strangers. It was part of a journey of submission and humiliation that she craved for herself and was organised carefully by a Master and Protector.
I ensured first that the woman was totally happy with the arrangement. I hugged her at the start and made it clear she could leave then or at any time. I tried to make her feel safe. We had a good time and later she wrote of it in her online journal making it clear she had enjoyed it. I quoted it on my own blog then. She has become a friend and we correspond and meet occasionally.
So these things can work out well.
However the situations are slightly different. I was engaged in an activity that she had requested. That she wanted. It wasn't something that she did not want and was only going through pressure from her Master. As a responsible man I could not have "used" her if that had not been her wish - because she wanted it, not because she wanted to please her Master. If it had just been to please her Master I would have felt I was an abuser or even a rapist.
So I worry not just about the instruction which is designed to test your loyalty and levels of submission but about the position of the other man who may be prepared to abuse you with no questions asked.
For if it happens it is the real world - not a blog fantasy.
I know your Master will ensure you are safe and also that if you go through with it it will be because you want your limits pushed and tested as they have been so many times. I hope you are lent to a kind Dom.
Good luck dear toy - and take care.
With very best wishes
Beau xxxx
Ooops - I meant of course "holier than thou."
Doh.
Forgive this and any other mistakes!
B xx
It will be fascinating to discover how it feels to have a sexual relationship that follows from an order from one's owner. Thinking about the senses,the scent of the man, the feel of his skin, his taste, the sound of his voice. Knowing that you have confidence in your ability to please and to accommodate any requirements giving the strength to procede.
use have dedicted in your writing which is pretty much appreciable for us....
shopping cart
Toy, thank you so much for posting this meditation on being given by your Owner to someone else for use and abuse. My Master speaks of this, too, and loves to have me entertain him with an assortment of very dark scenarios. For various reasons, I suspect that the scenes of tossing me to a whole group of his friends will not take place, though I think he does really relish the idea of my being fucked by 4 or 5 men simultaneously while his eyes link with mine and he feeds on my pain, humiliation, and submission. Oh yes, I'm sure he would really enjoy that. More likely was a proposed trip, which may or may not happen. The idea was to bring me as a gift to a very good friend of his, who would probably have treated me quite well. He is neither a sadist nor a dom.
Even if the trip happens, it is now most unlikely that his friend would accept the gift, due to the surprise (to my Master) development of a now live-in girlfriend.
I know that if I did get to serve his friend, it would have been with mixed feelings. But I also know that, of my Master's many mixed motivations, one would have been true friendship and generosity. And with that in mind, I think my own attitude would be different than if he handed me over to a bunch of his drinking buddies and said "Dig in, boys!"
I don't know... I'm curious to find out. Weird as it feels to say this, I do truly want to please him in any way I can. With all my heart and soul, I do want to please him. I know he is a sadist, but I accept that - knowing, too, that most of the time he is very careful not to take me beyond what he thinks I can handle. He has seen that when he does, when he miscalculates or loses control, there is disaster, and I know he doesn't want to risk that again.
Meanwhile, I am VERY curious to hear about other people's experiences with being shared - and especially what kind of lasting psychological repercussions that caused, whether long or short term.
Again, toy, thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
I'd imagine you're secretly craving it. Just like the greedy little cumslut that you are.
I want to thank everyone for the depth of sharing and comments here. I have been very touched and am pleased to have been able to read your introspective (and in Rawk's case, comedic) efforts.
Oatmeal Girl: I strongly suspect that we have a set of parallel circumstances, for, most of what you have written I could have as well. I imagine that you'll experience this before I do and when this happens, please come track me down so I may read your beautifully written account.
Thank you for your responses,
toy
Update: the trip is definitely off (there are a few more details on my blog) but he did say there are some real possibilities of our having some more time together. He also speaks seriously of taking me to some nasty bars, but I doubt that would actually involve the kind of mass rape and torture that goes into my stories for him. There are too many practical issues, for one thing.
But who knows...
Dear toy,
what an intense post, i can really feel all the different emotions in your words.
I fantasize a lot about being (ab)used by other men, but in my fantasies my Owner is always with me. My fantasies tickled my Owner and He came with harder and rougher ideas about my fantasy. Which excites me. It never happened (yet) mostly because of practical causes, safety issues etc....
I also am very interested in the experiences of others. Do you think it will happen soon for you?
'i wonder if He will accept me back after this or if i will be less the slave i am with another man's breath on my skin and his sex inside of me.'
These words moved me because that's exactly what i think over and over after fantasizing about being used by others. Won't He find me dirty after it or even worse: disgusting?
I crave to experience this fantasy some day but i'm also afraid that it will break me for unexpected emotions. But then again........the idea is fascinating, exciting and my Owner is a Sadist but a very caring Master who would never harm me (in the wrong way ;-)) Just like your Owner is sadistic but He cares for you. The following up of this story and your emotions about this topic interests me a lot.
Thanks for sharing...
xxx moonheart
yum another hot story
Marrieddomme
I have experienced this type of training. I think that it really brought home the fact that I don't own my body that it belongs to Master.
Masters friend was visiting the city and Master took me to see him. Master had been in the service with him but they only see each other every few years. I had never met him before this visit. We visited him in his motel room. I wore my collar which he noticed immediately. Then when I kept my eyes down and did not look at him during our greeting I assume he knew he was in for a surprise.
Shortly after that I was kneeling on the floor next to my Master as he explained our relationship to his friend. Russ his friend wanted to see more so Master instructed me to strip and present myself. Russ was asking Master questions and probing me. before the night was over Russ and Master spanked me with his hand and belt and each had a blow job, Russ wanted to give me a facial because he had never done that so he unloaded on my face. Master had me clean up and swallow as much as I could.
The next day Master had to work but he wrote a note to Russ that I was to deliver to his room. Master told me what to wear which was a short skirt and revealing blouse nothing else. I was given money for the BART and sent to see him. He opened the door and I handed him the note . The note just explained that as long as he was in town I was to serve him as I would my Master that if I refused anything I was to be spanked and also to tell Master that I did not please him. To make it short lets just say Russ took full advantage chance to do whatever he wished with a willing slave. Now whenever Russ visits Master sends me to serve him.
I struggled with it a bit but Master explained that I was doing what he desired of me and that was all that mattered. It has happened a few more times even with different men. I know my job as a slave is to do whatever my Master asks and to do it the best I can.
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